umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
