Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
