$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize