I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
