I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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