i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
