I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
