i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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