im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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