I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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