I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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