I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
