I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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