so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
