guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
