So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
