I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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