Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
