So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
