just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
