dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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