i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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