I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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