when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
