I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
