i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I have already put on my inside pants.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
