Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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