You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
