I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
