just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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