Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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