I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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