Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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