apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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