I think my fart just growled at me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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