you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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