The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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