I think I died a long time ago.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
