I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Randomize