dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
