It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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