meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
