she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize