Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
