Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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