I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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