omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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