i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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