Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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