Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
