I just made out with a guy for $7.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
