My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
