she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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