my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
