shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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