break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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