You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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