I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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