i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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