I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
