My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
