How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
