remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
