drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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