i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
as a side note pls kill me
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